Vector Quicky

Placeholder vector image for packaging. It was built for print, so the change from CMYK to RGB for the web cranked it up to eleven. Radioactive.

Thank You

Kingdom of the Crystal Cheeseburger

*** NO SPOILERS ***

I was 12 years old when Raiders of the Lost Ark came out. I hadn't seen the trailer, had no idea what it was. My dad told us it was about the "Ark of the Covenant."

Oh great, we're being dragged to another stupid church thing.

It was the first film that absolutely blew me away. I was completely dumbfounded. It was awesome on top of awesome. It still holds up today, and is one of my favorite films ever.

I didn't really like Temple of Doom, (although that is a wicked sweet title) but the Last Crusade was good. I wasn't sure how the new Indiana Jones film would hold up under a 20 year, 200 ton stack of nostalgia. The fourth film, which has the coolest title, is sadly... not that awesome.

I know, I know, saying anything bad about this set of films is like telling Jesus his feet stink. I mean, he's Jesus. Big deal if he has a few imperfections, the guy died for our sins man, show some respect.

The real bummer is that the story was a great idea and could've been rad as hell. The Transformers kid is a tool in this movie too-- no spoiler there. The problem was, they laid the cheese on too thick. This kind of film needs one slice, there were like 27 slices on it.

Here's just a sample of where I laughed out loud when I wasn't supposed to: the monkeys, the refrigerator, the 3 waterfalls.

If I was still twelve, I'd probably really dig it.
Respectfully, I give it 2 out of 5 Witchfingers.

Hardy-Har!

Dan, a guy I work with, groaned for like three days about his ratchet-action screwdriver disappearing from his office. "It didn't just get up and walk away!"

I Pee-shopped this for him and stuck it to his door. Oddly enough, the missing hand tool returned later that day.

Coincidence?

Witch Finger or Whammy Bar?

It was a tough call, but Witch Finger won. Most people know what a whammy bar is so I thought I should use that as the symbol for my new rating system. But Witch Finger is way more awesome, so I went with that-- 'natch.

I got the term from Drew. I'm not sure if he coined it, or if it's an older term and I'm just not as on top of shit as I thought. So what is a Witch Finger? Um... yeah, kinda hard to explain. It's a guitar noise. A quick little high note wiggle-screech on a string meant to emphasize a riff. It's kinda like saying, "What I've been playing so far is awesome, but this little part is extra awesome."

Best to give an example: Zakk Wylde. Probably the most Witch-Fingered guitarist of all time. Pretty sure every song he plays is fingered by the witch. Listen to him flick the finger four times in the first seven seconds of "Demon Alcohol" for Ozzy Osbourne: [LINK]

The last thing the world needs is another internet dipshit "reviewer." Too bad world. I'm gonna do it anyway.

So the first thing I'll use the International Witch Finger Rating System (IWFRS) on is a band called Year Long Disaster. Their self-titled record is great straight-ahead LA rock n' roll. The vocals are exceptionally rad. Leda Atomica is my favorite song so far.

Here's their new animated video on Adult swim. It's directed by the dude who does Aqua Teen Hunger Force. LINK

I give the record 3 out of 5 Witch Fingers.

What A Nice Boy

Records that remind me of Mom:
"Delta Dawn" by: Helen Reddy or Tanya Tucker
"Top of the World" by: The Carpenters
"Funny Face" by: Donna Fargo

Records that remind me of my other Mom:
"Islands in the Stream" by: Kenny and Dolly
The first Whitney Houston record
Any good mariachi music

Fortress Vandalism

This is a "buffer" post. I was gonna put the Mother's Day entry next, but the segue from monster booty to mom may be a little off-putting for some viewers ;-) Click for big