Things are annoying. It is a straightforward part of life that every
day we bump into hundreds of things that are sent by a higher being for no
other reason than to simply tick us off as we try and make our way through the
world and through our lives.
Thankfully, most of these are petty nuisances such as car horns, chavs
and Jedward. However, once in a while something really, really annoying comes
along to upset us.
In order to help us deal with these displeasures, I have developed a
simple scale to which I have given the rather unimaginative title of The Scale of Annoying. Its purpose is simple: to rank those things
in life which really get our goat.
It is a simple scale starting at number 1 with the most annoying and descends down number 10 for the least annoying, but still enough to create a desire
to punch someone in the face.
It must be noted that this is MY particular scale, and there are of
course some items that will not belong on all lists. I encourage you to take
the list and make it your own. Why? Because
you have nothing better to do, surely.
1. Mosquitos
Aside from the fact that I had to check the plural
spelling of these pesky insects in the OED, there is nothing more annoying in
life than the small yet considerably deadly mosquito.
FACT: It is estimated that over 45 Billion people have
been killed by mosquitos. That is over half the people that have ever lived.
That is more than both World Wars combined.
But what really makes them annoying is this: you are
lying in bed, you are treading the cusp between asleep and awake, and then
suddenly a high pitched wail zooms past your ear bringing you back into the
dark, mosquito-fodder world. Again and again and again.
I once spent three hours hunting a mosquito in my
bedroom. I finally found the fucker and it was the most satisfying insect death
I have ever carried out.
Humans 1 – mosquitos 45 000 000 000 000.
2.
People who
talk during movies
This is so incredibly, soul-crushingly annoying that I
get uptight just writing it.
How small must your simple, self-involved world be to
think that everyone in the cinema, that has paid good money to get in to, wants
to hear your very own director’s commentary?
Most people, thankfully, now turn their phones off. Or
at least put it on silent so that instead of bothering us with the noise, you
light up the entire cinema with the Nokia 12Suns edition when checking to see
if your mum has “txt” you.
I think the most annoying thing though is that instead
of talking at normal pitch, these wastrels talk at a level which is just above
a whisper. It’s just enough so you can hear the noise, but not the inane
chatter that you could possibly use as ammunition in the fight against
stupidity.
3.
Parents
First, if you want to have a picture of your child on
Facebook then give it its own goddamn profile. Do you know who I want to see
when I look for you? Yes, you. Not some jam-stained, grinning gremlin of a
child.
Second, I understand that parents are proud of their
children. You would be a pretty lousy parent if you weren’t. But if I am
talking to you then I will want to know about what is going on in your life, not how little
Tyler/Denim/Scratchcard did in his recent school reports.
Third, not all babies are beautiful. Of course yours
is, you are seeing it with doting mother eyes. But trust me when I say, your
baby is chubby, it has patchy hair and it smells kind of funny.
And please, from a non-parent, teach your kids some
self-control. Actually, scratch that… teach yourself
some self-control. Having children (I would imagine) brings great responsibility.
That means that sometimes you cannot go out to the pub and have a drink. And if
you do, that does not give you an excuse to allow your children to run around
tables like little maniacs, destroying everything in their path, whilst
grown-ups are trying to have a conversation.
You got yourself knocked up, you deal with the
consequences.
This brings us to child-friendly drinking
establishments, but that is going to get a blog all of its own.
4.
Children
Choosing the rank between this and the previous was
hard, and on some days they do swap over. However, I believe the difference is
that adults will bring some level of maturity to the proceedings whilst a child
will just bring sheer, unadulterated chaos.
Children are evil. They have power, and they know that
they have power. A well placed scream or tantrum can get them whatever they
want. I once read of another short person with a power complex: I believe his
name was Napoleon.
Have you ever seen a child torture a pet? I have. Not
in a sick way, but more like prodding the dog in the eye until the dog finally
loses the plot. This is why I prefer dogs: they have the patience of a saint. I
guarantee you that every tragic story of a dog being “destroyed” by the
authorities will have some evil, smirking, miniature sociopath in training
behind it. Because the dog had better toys.
Couple all of this with a propensity for covering
everything with some sort of child-slime, and you have some very annoying short
people.
5.
Red Wine
Hangovers
I love red wine. In fact, I think if I were to make a
list of things that I love, then that would easily top the list.
And I think that is why the hangovers that a couple of
bottles bring are so annoying: how could something that I love so much hurt me
in such a way?
6.
The Da Vinci
Code
“It is complete
loose stool water. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind.”
Stephen Fry said that about this trash. And if I trust
anyone’s literary judgement then it is certainly his.
7.
People who
don’t spell properly on Dating Sites.
In a busy, hectic world people find it increasingly
hard to meet new people, especially for reasons as complicated and stressful as
sex. Some kind folk have done us a noble service and decided to make money off
the project in the form of dating websites.
Now, these are good things. I honestly believe that. I
have tried them (unsuccessfully) in the past, and met some… people.
But here is what drives me potty: the language that
some of these people use is awful. Let’s put ourselves in the situation where
we are going out “on the pull” on a Friday night. We dress ourselves up. Wear a
nice shirt/dress/skirt. Women put on make-up and men put on a spicy aftershave
in order to lure a potential mate. In a word, we make ourselves look nice.
So why don’t people do the same on dating websites?
Brush up your language skills. Learn how to use a comma, for example. But it is
the spelling that really infuriates me.
It is not so much that the spelling is bad, it is the
fact that you have not even bothered to take the time to use a simple
dictionary or spellchecker in order to make sure that your language is dressed up
and nice. It is the fact that you
don’t seem to care about how it
looks. And what do you think that says about your personality?
And, to be honest, if I am talking to you in a bar and
you say “innit” or “somefink”, then you may consider the wooing terminated.
8.
People who
spell words with numb3rs
Are you aware of how illiterate you look?
This cannot be because you do not know how to spell.
Surely you know that we do not spell hate
with the number 8?
The number 2 I can understand, because you may not
know the difference between two, to and
too. But then you are a whole other
kind of stupid.
“But we use it to make communication easy,” some
people say. Unlikely. There is a law by the name of Zipf’s Law, named after the American linguist George Kingsley Zipf.
Basically, the law states that the most common words in any language will also
be the shortest. In English, we have the,
be and to as the top three. The
point of this is to show that language has a natural economy, and spelling
things with numbers actually makes us concentrate harder on what you are trying
to say.
I imagine that the real reason you do it is because it
is a trendy thing to do, or because you are just too bone idle to pick up a
dictionary. If you own one.
9.
Instagram
Actually, no, thank Christ for Instagram. How else am
I supposed to know what you are having for breakfast if you don’t take a trendy
picture of it?
10. People who say: “Oooh, have you had a haircut?”
Hmmm, I’m not actually too sure.
Now that you mention it, my ears are a little colder
and my wallet is lighter by 25 quid.
Of course I have had a haircut. It’s not as if my hair
can adjust itself on a daily basis.
