Toast and Blasphemy

Outside of copyrighted books, the Holy Bible is the biggest selling book in the world. Through its four hundred year history it has been praised, burned, debated and spurned by millions of people.

The King James Bible, first published in 1611, has arguably done more for the English language than any other book, with the possible exception of Shakespeare's First Folio, obviously. But as Victor Hugo said, "England has two books, the Bible and Shakespeare. England made Shakespeare, but the Bible made England".

Surprisingly, there were very few neologisms in the Bible. David Crystal (my personal hero) has written a majestic study on the Bible and the English language and he estimates that there are around 70 'new' words in the Bible (Begat, Crystal 2011). Compared to Shakespeare's 1,700, then that is not too many. But Shakespeare was a playwright, he was paid to use language as a form of entertainment; the Bible, on the other hand, was an instructional manual - literally! The Bible does have the proud claim to be the point of genesis of a number of sayings, proverbs and phrases that we still use today. "The powers that be" went through a "labour of love" to develop the Good Book, and "God forbid" if there is "a fly in the ointment" to cause trouble. Crystal has counted at least 257 phrases that we still use that were first seen in the Bible. Pretty impressive for an instructional manual.

And this is where I have my beef. As an instructional manual, the Bible just doesn't work.

Once, when I was young and naive, I gave organised religion a go. I read a lot of the Bible. I still do as I read a lot of religiously inspired literature (Donne, Herbert, Vaughan, et al). I came to the conclusion that the power of prayer is not very powerful at all. In fact, I found that the more praying I did, the less likely I was to get a response. Here are a few things the Good Book says about prayer:

"Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you." - Matthew 7:7

"Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it." - John 14:13-14

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours." - Mark 11:24

So I was led to believe that praying to God would help me in my life. After all, He is a generous, caring and loving God and not at all jealous, selfish and fickle. So I prayed. And I prayed hard - 4 or 5 times a day. It was a simple request: I needed a new car to get to work. "Lord," I said, "in your infinite wisdom and mercy, please can you help me find an affordable yet comfortable car that I can use to help me keep my job so that I can continue paying my rent and buying food. Thanks for listening and hope to hear from you soon.Amen."

I did this for around a month with no result. Maybe, I thought, I was aiming too high. I should start off small and work my way up to a car. So I prayed for some toast. Nothing fancy, just some toasted bread with a bit of margarine spread on it. No marmalade, cheese, HP Sauce. Just toast. I prayed, I sat and I waited. Prayed. Sat. Waited.... nothing.

After 45 minutes I began to feel hungry (praying for toast makes a person want toast). So I got up, put some bread under the grill and toasted the shit out of it. I began to think of the reason why God had not given me toast. At first I thought that God was motivating me to make my own toast. But I could have done that without all the praying, which wasted my time more than anything else. The go-to argument is, of course, "The Lord works in mysterious ways". But the Lord did not do any of the work - I did. So maybe if we change the word "mysterious" to "lazy" then we can be a bit more accurate.

God had become nothing more than an inconvenient middle man who does none of the work and takes all the glory. Further research was needed. I began to ask people that were praying for serious things: the health of a dying loved one; a long wished for pregnancy; an end to suffering in the world. And the result showed that God did not intervene with these either. How was this motivation? A grandfather dies in agony. An aging  couple lose all hope of having their own child. Last time I checked, there is still a lot of suffering in the world. God wasn't motivating. God wasn't listening. God was not there.

Maybe toast is evil. Maybe crisping some bread and smothering it in jam is the Devil's work and I was never meant to eat it. But I doubt it. Toast is the shit!

So there it is.... toast destroyed my faith.
God could not bring me toast, but science could through the simple addition of fire to bread.
And then science proved how it worked too.
With evidence.

The Scale of Annoying.

Things are annoying. It is a straightforward part of life that every day we bump into hundreds of things that are sent by a higher being for no other reason than to simply tick us off as we try and make our way through the world and through our lives.

Thankfully, most of these are petty nuisances such as car horns, chavs and Jedward. However, once in a while something really, really annoying comes along to upset us.

In order to help us deal with these displeasures, I have developed a simple scale to which I have given the rather unimaginative title of The Scale of Annoying.  Its purpose is simple: to rank those things in life which really get our goat.

It is a simple scale starting at number 1 with the most annoying and descends down number 10 for the least annoying, but still enough to create a desire to punch someone in the face. 

It must be noted that this is MY particular scale, and there are of course some items that will not belong on all lists. I encourage you to take the list and make it your own. Why?  Because you have nothing better to do, surely.

1.    Mosquitos

Aside from the fact that I had to check the plural spelling of these pesky insects in the OED, there is nothing more annoying in life than the small yet considerably deadly mosquito.

FACT: It is estimated that over 45 Billion people have been killed by mosquitos. That is over half the people that have ever lived. That is more than both World Wars combined.

But what really makes them annoying is this: you are lying in bed, you are treading the cusp between asleep and awake, and then suddenly a high pitched wail zooms past your ear bringing you back into the dark, mosquito-fodder world. Again and again and again.

I once spent three hours hunting a mosquito in my bedroom. I finally found the fucker and it was the most satisfying insect death I have ever carried out.

Humans 1 – mosquitos 45 000 000 000 000.

2.      People who talk during movies

This is so incredibly, soul-crushingly annoying that I get uptight just writing it.

How small must your simple, self-involved world be to think that everyone in the cinema, that has paid good money to get in to, wants to hear your very own director’s commentary?

Most people, thankfully, now turn their phones off. Or at least put it on silent so that instead of bothering us with the noise, you light up the entire cinema with the Nokia 12Suns edition when checking to see if your mum has “txt” you.

I think the most annoying thing though is that instead of talking at normal pitch, these wastrels talk at a level which is just above a whisper. It’s just enough so you can hear the noise, but not the inane chatter that you could possibly use as ammunition in the fight against stupidity.

3.      Parents

First, if you want to have a picture of your child on Facebook then give it its own goddamn profile. Do you know who I want to see when I look for you? Yes, you. Not some jam-stained, grinning gremlin of a child.

Second, I understand that parents are proud of their children. You would be a pretty lousy parent if you weren’t. But if I am talking to you then I will want to know about what is going on in your life, not how little Tyler/Denim/Scratchcard did in his recent school reports.

Third, not all babies are beautiful. Of course yours is, you are seeing it with doting mother eyes. But trust me when I say, your baby is chubby, it has patchy hair and it smells kind of funny.

And please, from a non-parent, teach your kids some self-control. Actually, scratch that… teach yourself some self-control. Having children (I would imagine) brings great responsibility. That means that sometimes you cannot go out to the pub and have a drink. And if you do, that does not give you an excuse to allow your children to run around tables like little maniacs, destroying everything in their path, whilst grown-ups are trying to have a conversation.

You got yourself knocked up, you deal with the consequences.

This brings us to child-friendly drinking establishments, but that is going to get a blog all of its own.

4.      Children

Choosing the rank between this and the previous was hard, and on some days they do swap over. However, I believe the difference is that adults will bring some level of maturity to the proceedings whilst a child will just bring sheer, unadulterated chaos.

Children are evil. They have power, and they know that they have power. A well placed scream or tantrum can get them whatever they want. I once read of another short person with a power complex: I believe his name was Napoleon.

Have you ever seen a child torture a pet? I have. Not in a sick way, but more like prodding the dog in the eye until the dog finally loses the plot. This is why I prefer dogs: they have the patience of a saint. I guarantee you that every tragic story of a dog being “destroyed” by the authorities will have some evil, smirking, miniature sociopath in training behind it. Because the dog had better toys.

Couple all of this with a propensity for covering everything with some sort of child-slime, and you have some very annoying short people.

5.      Red Wine Hangovers

I love red wine. In fact, I think if I were to make a list of things that I love, then that would easily top the list.

And I think that is why the hangovers that a couple of bottles bring are so annoying: how could something that I love so much hurt me in such a way?

6.      The Da Vinci Code

 “It is complete loose stool water. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind.”

Stephen Fry said that about this trash. And if I trust anyone’s literary judgement then it is certainly his.

7.      People who don’t spell properly on Dating Sites.

In a busy, hectic world people find it increasingly hard to meet new people, especially for reasons as complicated and stressful as sex. Some kind folk have done us a noble service and decided to make money off the project in the form of dating websites.

Now, these are good things. I honestly believe that. I have tried them (unsuccessfully) in the past, and met some… people.

But here is what drives me potty: the language that some of these people use is awful. Let’s put ourselves in the situation where we are going out “on the pull” on a Friday night. We dress ourselves up. Wear a nice shirt/dress/skirt. Women put on make-up and men put on a spicy aftershave in order to lure a potential mate. In a word, we make ourselves look nice.

So why don’t people do the same on dating websites? Brush up your language skills. Learn how to use a comma, for example. But it is the spelling that really infuriates me.

It is not so much that the spelling is bad, it is the fact that you have not even bothered to take the time to use a simple dictionary or spellchecker in order to make sure that your language is dressed up and nice. It is the fact that you don’t seem to care about how it looks. And what do you think that says about your personality?

And, to be honest, if I am talking to you in a bar and you say “innit” or “somefink”, then you may consider the wooing terminated.

8.      People who spell words with numb3rs

Are you aware of how illiterate you look?

This cannot be because you do not know how to spell. Surely you know that we do not spell hate with the number 8?

The number 2 I can understand, because you may not know the difference between two, to and too. But then you are a whole other kind of stupid.

“But we use it to make communication easy,” some people say. Unlikely. There is a law by the name of Zipf’s Law, named after the American linguist George Kingsley Zipf. Basically, the law states that the most common words in any language will also be the shortest. In English, we have the, be and to as the top three. The point of this is to show that language has a natural economy, and spelling things with numbers actually makes us concentrate harder on what you are trying to say.

I imagine that the real reason you do it is because it is a trendy thing to do, or because you are just too bone idle to pick up a dictionary. If you own one.

9.      Instagram

Actually, no, thank Christ for Instagram. How else am I supposed to know what you are having for breakfast if you don’t take a trendy picture of it?

10.  People who say: “Oooh, have you had a haircut?”

Hmmm, I’m not actually too sure.

Now that you mention it, my ears are a little colder and my wallet is lighter by 25 quid.

Of course I have had a haircut. It’s not as if my hair can adjust itself on a daily basis.

Winter is Coming

Hello,
Before we start on the fact that I have shamelessly ripped off my title from the epic Game of Thrones, let me first apologise for not updating for six months. I have tried to write another blog, but nobody seems to read that so I though I would come back here. Granted, I am not sure if anyone reads this either, but there we are.

To update: I am still in Argentina. After all the complaining that I did last year, you may be surprised to find that out. It should be that because I hate the place, surely I would have wanted to go home. My dissatisfaction with the Buenos Aires way of life is not the topic for this blog, or I would have titled it What's the Bloody Point....?, which has become my favourite and most used phrase in the city (eg: What's the bloody point in having doors on bathrooms if you aren't going to put a lock on it? We may as well just fit video cameras in the toilet so everyone can watch us on TV).

Anyway, the whole point of today is to celebrate the start of Autumn. Or rather, the death of summer. I realise that a lot of people are "summer people", and that is fine. I, however, am not one of those people. It's not that I DISlike summer, it's just I prefer winter. Summer is great: the sun comes out, it's warm, the flowers look nice and clothes seem to fall off lots of pretty girls.

But allow me to ask a question......

What is the bloody point in 28 degree heat at 1 O'Clock in the chuffing morning? I mean, what possible reason is there for that particular level of heat at that particular point of time? All it does is piss people off making them more inclined to start a fight, and bring out mosquitoes by the truckload (and we all know that mosquitoes are at number two on the Scale of Annoying right between children and people who talk during movies).
The only benefit I can think of is that wonderful feeling of turning over the sweat-soaked pillow you are sleeping on and finding the one and only cool patch in the bed/oven.

So yes, summer can bugger off. Winter is the king of seasons. Even Vivaldi knew this!
A few reasons why winter is great:

1) It looks nicer: Summer looks nice too, with lots of green grass, blue skies and bright flowers.  But there is just something oh so special about seeing things with snow. It is as if an extra layer of white makes things so much more appealing.  Mountains look nicer with a fresh layer of snow, cookies look tastier with a fresh sprinkling of icing sugar, hookers' arses look more tempting with a few lines of cocaine filed up on them.

2) You get to wear scarves: I know that "hipsters", or whatever you call them, can wear scarves any time of the year, but what they don't seem to understand is that wearing a scarf with a t-shirt makes you look like an idiot with a malfunctioning temperature gauge.  Are you hot? Then why are you wearing a scarf? Are you cold? Then put on a fucking jumper, you twit.  In winter, you wear a scarf because if you don't, your neck will get cold. Simple and practical.

3) The winter coat: This can be taken two ways. First, a big coat that is too big for summer and, therefore, must be worn in winter to avoid looking like a tit in summer (see above). Second, if you are a man, one effective way of combating the cold is to grow a beard. Like some animals that grow extra fur in winter, man can also grow extra fur. Standing in a field surrounded by a blizzard, wearing a big coat, a scarf and shielding an icy blast with some finely crafted face fuzz is what makes us men. Join all of that with a 1000 yard stare and a sword and you are right out of Game of Thrones (see it all linking in now?)

Two weeks ago here in Buenos Aires, winter was on it's way (read: the temperature had fallen to the low-twenties). Today, as I write this, it is hot. I am aware that the weather in the Northern Hemisphere is pretty shit at the moment (I believe you have snow in the UK), and that many of you would happily change places with me. My dear readers, my sweaty pits and I would gladly swap with you too.

Until next time,
Eric the Wonder Frog.